Strength For Today

A journey of keeping my heart, mind, and body in TODAY

Willingness without action

on January 29, 2014

My fiance, Ashley,  likes to share some valuable advice he once received, “Willingness without action is just wishful thinking”. Tonight I am pondering that quote.

Willingness without action is just wishful thinking. 

I feel like I am stuck in that place right now.  I keep saying that I want to change my eating habits.  I say that I am willing to do whatever it takes in order to make new patterns of eating.  When it comes down to it, though, I am not sure that I am.  I mean, I do change….for a while.  Always temporary.  When I am “feeling better”, I go right back to the same eating cycles I had before.  Slowly, but surely, I always end up back at the same place.  Staring at the toilet, trying to convince myself not to do it….again.

It is a vicious cycle.  No different from the cycle of my alcoholism.  Just a different symptom.

Alcoholism is but a symptom of much deeper rooted issues.  I remember when I first heard those words around the tables of recovery.  I thought my problem was that I drank too much alcohol.  The truth?  Drinking alcohol was a solution to a set of problems that run far deeper than the bottle.

Now, I think my “problem” is bulimia.  I overeat.  I feel sick.  I feel guilty.  I purge.  That’s the problem.  Duh.  No it isn’t.  There is something beneath this cycle of binging and purging.  It’s bigger than that.  It’s deeper than that.

But I’m not willing to look at it.  Not really.  I mean, I say I am.  But whenever I look at it, all I can see is the surface problem:  the food.  The body.  I can’t see beneath the surface.

I’m stuck in a cycle of willingness without action.  For a year now, I have been aware of the truth of my “habit” of poor eating choices.  God gave me the word “bulimia” at this time last year.  It has taken me a whole year just to start talking about it.  With people I love and trust.  With people in recovery.  And now with you.

Two years ago, I was listening to a recovering alcoholic share his story at recovery convention.  He said something that has stuck with me since that day:  “The most uncomfortable times in my sobriety are times when I am aware of what needs to be done, but unwilling to do anything about it.”  I think is where I have been for the past year.  I think that now, I am finally willing to do something about it, but I have not been following up that willingness with action. Time for change.

I took an action step today.  I reached out to another woman who has successfully come out of the other side of this eating disorder.  She sent me some things to read.  I am going to read them now.

Tomorrow is a new day, and thank the LORD that His mercies are fresh every morning!

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