Strength For Today

A journey of keeping my heart, mind, and body in TODAY

Leaning In

on February 5, 2014

Today, I made a decision.  It was not a decision that took much thought or planning on my part.  It was a decision I made in an instant.  A decision to set myself aside.  A decision to reach out the hand of healing.  A decision to package up my pride.  A decision to lay down my self-preservation, and expose some truths about myself to a person I am not 100% sure was a safe person to share with.

I have to say that my initial reaction to my decision, once my mind and heart settled around what I had just done, was one of fear.  I realized that I had just shared some very vulnerable personal information about myself with someone that I really wasn’t sure I could trust.  My fear quickly turned into self-doubt.  I began to question myself for making this choice.  Blending the fear and doubt together into a ball of anxiety, was negative self-talk.  “Dawn, why do you always have to get involved in people’s lives?”  “Dawn, why can’t you just keep your big mouth shut?”  “Dawn, why don’t you think before you speak?”  “Now look what you’ve done, Dawn. You better find a way to fix this.”  “Dawn, you’re not safe.  Your personal information is going to be compromised.”  “Dawn, why can’t you just leave this to the professionals and stop always trying to save people?”  Oh—-  the the defeat was so bitter I could taste it.  And defeat does NOT have a sweet aftertaste!

My mind began to convince my heart that I was terribly, terribly wrong for the decision I had made.  Just when my mind almost had my heart entirely consumed by the belief that I was a miserable failure, a thought entered.  At first, it was just a small thought.  A glimmer of light, enough to grab my attention.  This little thought was “Pray”.  So I prayed.  I told God that this was His situation, and I trusted that He would work it out, according to His will.  I began to feel less anxious.  After that prayer, I said a few more.  I continued feeling better.  By the end of the day, I was able to have a conversation surrounding my decision with two very important people in my life.  They both told me they supported me.  And I felt a little less anxious, and more peaceful.  I got into my car and turned on my radio.  I put in a CD this morning that I have never really listened to.  There is one track that is simply peaceful piano music in the background, and a man reading scripture.  I let God’s Word embrace me.  I let it caress me.  I let it envelope me.  I closed my eyes and soaked in every word he read.  It was as if God literally was speaking to me in that moment.  What a beautiful moment it was.  I was set free.

I was set free from the anxiety that had begun to choke out the Truth.  The Truth is that my decision today had very little if anything to do with ME.  It isn’t about ME.  My decision today could have impacted another life in a very real and very positive way.  It could also have impacted this same life in a very negative way.  The choice is now theirs.  The ball is in their court, not mine.

There is so much peace in letting go and letting God handle my circumstances.  There is so much love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, gentleness, faithfulness, and self-control evident in the moments that God is doing a work in my life.  I believe He is doing a work right now.  I am not sure what it is.  I have an idea.  I’ve heard the promptings, I have felt the call.  I just don’t yet know the details.

This life, and all that is in it, does not belong to me.  It is all His.  He can have His way with me.  If that means bringing me to the foot of His glorious cross, so that I might lay my life down for another, then so-be-it.  This is HIS life, afterall.  I am a created part of HIS world, and so incredibly blessed that He chose to use me.

On the other side of this decision today, on the side where I intentionally choose to lean in to God instead of my own discomfort, I am at total peace with what I chose to do.  I know that regardless of the outcome, I am going to be just fine….more than that….I am going to be in God’s perfect and capable Hands.  And, where is the discomfort in that?

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