Strength For Today

A journey of keeping my heart, mind, and body in TODAY

Days Like This

on May 1, 2014

“Momma said there’d be days like this!!”

Today is a downright uncomfortable day for me.  I woke up with the sinking sensation that yesterday was a bad day.  A day that I don’t want to talk about.  A day that I made choices that were far apart from the glorious and beautiful life that God has given me.  A day that I am not proud of.

Which is why I don’t want to share it with you.

Which is also why I have to.

You see, in recovery, I have learned that I am only as “sick as my secrets”.  I know that – as far as my program of recovery goes – the more I withhold, the more uncomfortable I am.

Even as I type, however, I am still avoiding!  I cannot get myself to begin to release the dark places of my heart to you right now.  Why?  Fear has built up once again. Fear of judgement.  Fear of condemnation.  Fear of regret. Fear.  I hate fear.  It is such an illusion – NOT REAL at all, yet it stops me from living in freedom in a VERY REAL WAY.

Stepping past fear feels like such an impasse sometimes!  Is it the same for you??  I mean, it’s like, I’m standing on the diving board – looking down at the water – and I just can’t jump.  I know it’s safe.  I’ve jumped a hundred times.  And the lifeguard is sitting right there, looking at me – so even if something did go wrong, there is someone more powerful than I – ready to save me.  But I just can’t jump.  My knees buckle.  My heart pounds. My chest tightens.  I can’t walk forward.  I can’t walk backward. I am stuck.  Fear grips me.  Fear paralyzes me. Fear.

Where does this fear come from? From within my own mind.  I create this fear by obsessively thinking about myself.  I have found that when I am totally lost in “self”, I am also totally lost in “fear”.  Like a pig in mud, I wallow in my own self-pity.  I roll around in my “shoulda, woulda, coulda’s”. I stay stagnant in the sticky mire of regret. I am stuck.

Drip. Drip. Drip.  (A friend of mine lovingly pointed out my own words to me – as I complained about my inability to move forward today…) Drip. Drip. Drip. (see my “Dripping Faucets” post for reference). Drip. Drip. Drip.

ARGH!

The annoyance of awareness when it is coupled with a lack of either willingness or action is enough to make me want to SCREAM!

But what does screaming do?  What does ranting do? What does writing this out on a screen do?  Something. Anything. It’s better than nothing.

Screamers scream. Ranters rant.  Writers write. So I write.

(Yes, still avoiding….oh – awareness is so uncomfortable.) Write it down, Dawn!!!!!  I know that the moment I release my “dark spaces” to you, I am going to feel better.  The moment it comes out of my mind and on to this screen, I AM GOING to feel better!  I know this!  So, why does knowledge do NOTHING for me in this moment???  Because, knowledge without ACTION is NOTHING.  It’s just a bunch of fluff stuck in my head.

OK….so, yesterday I was so stuck in my mind.  I was in a sticky web of self.  All about Dawn. How I was feeling, what I was missing, what I needed, what I wanted…yada yada yada.

I turned to food as a source of comfort yesterday.  I turned to self-forgetting behaviors as a source of comfort yesterday.  I avoided.  I evaded.  I left tasks undone that were staring me in the face (and have been for a long time) because I didn’t want to do them.  I spent idle time occupying my mind with things that create distraction.  I wasted precious time that could have been spent doing things that build me up and strengthen me on things that could eventually tear me down and destroy me.  My thought-life was terrible yesterday.  My food choices were terrible. My behavior choices did NOT line up within the boundaries of the life that God has blessed me with.  I was stuck in self.  I was neglectful of my responsibilities.  The main problem with all of this?  I CHOSE it.  It was intentional.  I intentionally avoided, evaded, and escaped my uncomfortable emotional state by purposefully distracting myself and looking the other direction.  These things may not seem like huge issues to you. (or maybe they do….) For me, these are red flags.  When I spend my time doing things that set me up for ultimate failure, I am heading down a path that will ultimately destroy everything that I have worked so hard to overcome!  It is not a joke or a “treat” for me to spend idle time, wasting away scrolling Facebook newsfeeds or complaining about my circumstances, or wandering aimlessly down the aisles of a store – looking for food to drown out my troubles.  These behaviors are outward signs of inward struggle.  I have to look at them and recognize them for what they are.  I have to look at my reality.  And that is – when I engage in these behaviors – I am doing it to  cover up some kind of pain.  What pain?  I’m not exactly sure at the moment. I guess this is the first step in figuring it out.

And now that I have jumped past the fear of sharing, and off the board into the water – it’s time for action.  Without it, I drown – right?  So, I guess I better start swimming.  Step one – get off the computer and go deal with a dripping faucet.

Thanks for letting me vent…. onward and upward…. one step at at time!

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