Strength For Today

A journey of keeping my heart, mind, and body in TODAY

As I’m Waiting….

on May 22, 2014

I don’t like to wait.

I am discovering this about myself in a way that cannot be denied during this current season of my life.  I am not the patient person I would like to be.  I do not feel peaceful as I wait for God to make His move.  I am uncomfortable in this place, I am restless.  To be honest and transparent with you, I am really struggling with the whole concept of God’s timing and God’s way right now.

And it frustrates me to no end.

Why?  Because I am saying one thing, and I am feeling another. I am doing a whole lot of lip service to God!  I am telling Him each day that I want Him to move in my life in whatever way He wants to.  I tell Him that I lay my life down and that I want Him do with each of my situations as He sees fit.  I tell him these things every day.  I am NOT meaning it.  I mean, I think I mean it when I say it.  I honestly pray these things with a sincere heart.  With good intentions, because this is TRULY what I desire.  So – WHY then am I struggling so intensely with the very things I am ASKING God to do??!!

Therein lies the root of my struggle.

This is a very uncomfortable place for anyone to be.  In any relationship, if we are thinking one way and acting another way – we are going to experience discomfort.  If that can happen in my human relationships – how much more discomfort am I going to experience in my relationship with GOD???  I am saying to God that I want Him to move in His time and in His way.  But, when it comes down to it, I am still trying to do it all myself.  AND I AM MAKING A MESS of things!!  This is no surprise.  The end result of self-sufficiency is always restlessness, irritability, and discontentment.  If I KNOW this, then the baffling part to me is probably the same as it is to you…  WHY do I keep falling into the same patterns of behavior??  I know where it leads me!  As much as I hate to admit it, I think this is about honesty.  

I am NOT being honest with God.  And I am not being honest with myself.

Ooh, that stings just to write down.  I am not being honest with God.  According to His Word in Psalm 139, God knows my heart.  He knows when I sit or when I stand, and He knows every single hair on my head.  He doesn’t just hear my words when I pray – He knows the very heart behind them.  So, WHY am I trying to do lip service to a God who already knows it’s lip service??  It is so baffling.  And just so you know…this is not a piece I am writing after the fact.  I am writing this post right smack dab in the middle of this circumstance.  And right now, right THIS very moment – I am absolutely baffled by my behavior.

Perhaps the root is my people-pleasing nature in combination with my performance-based view of acceptance and love.  These are characteristics of my flesh; my overwhelming desire to be accepted and loved by others and my need to appease those around me.  I think that’s IT!  I am seeing these two character defects popping up in almost every situation that is going on right now.  I think I may have just hit on something.  I haven’t thought much about these characteristics lately because I have been so focused on everything else.  I suppose I thought that just because I had dealt with them at one time, that they would no longer be a significant issue for me.  I mean, I did spend a significant portion of my recovery working through the lies of people-pleasing and performance driven acceptance.  I suppose I will need to get back to basics on this.  Maybe then I might find some peace inside my heart.

This is why I love to write.  This is why I love knowing that GOD moves powerfully when I open up my mind and allow words to fall through my fingers and on to the screen!  He works on me through this avenue…He speaks to me through my own writing – and that just makes me want to fall on my knees and worship Him!

Time to get back to basics!

 

 

****UPDATE****

After writing this post and sharing it with you all and a friend of mine, I was led into prayer…. a 9-day Novena, actually – something I have never done before.  I am excited to watch the Lord move in this!  I have to say – within an hour or so of making the decision to enter into this time of specific and intentional prayer, my entire attitude has turned around.  I suddenly realized that I was feeling peace and contentment…  and as I sit here and write again…. I still am feeling it!  GO GOD!

 

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