Strength For Today

A journey of keeping my heart, mind, and body in TODAY

Can’t Heal Myself

on July 2, 2014

Why do I continue to try to battle my demons alone?

Have you ever thought about this question?  Is this a question you ask yourself?  I wonder, because it is a question that I find myself asking more often than I would like to admit.

One of the first thing you see when you walk into many centers where recovery gatherings take place, is a sign that reads “You Are Not Alone”.  It is such a powerful truth, one that many desperate alcoholics cling to as they emerge from their darkness and into the light.  It is TRUTH.  We are NOT alone.

I am not alone.

Then, why do I feel like it sometimes?  Why do I act like it sometimes?  Why do I CHOOSE it sometimes?  I mean, here I am, 16 days from my wedding and just moving into a house that is in complete disarray.  I know I am stressed.  I know that I am not in a healthy thinking place.  So, why is it that I continue to try to battle through it on my own?

God never intended for us to be alone.  He didn’t.  He intended us to walk in fellowship, to engage in relationship – first and foremost with Him.  That is no where I am right NOW.

I was there yesterday, at least for most of it.  Just this morning, I was there – walking side by side with my Creator.  What happened between now and then?

I started engaging in selfish and self-seeking thoughts.  My character defects started to surface, and instead of putting the kibosh on them, I let them hand around for a while.  I let the door open just a crack, but I forgot how insistent they are.  All they need is a cracked door.  Those flaws of mine came pouring in like water from a fire hose.  At that point, there was nothing I could do to stop it.

What happened when a water hose sprays something?  It gets wet.  And I am WET.  My character defects drenched the joy right out of my day.  They took me captive and overran my territory.  Why? Because I let them.  I gave Satan a foothold, and he climbed right on board.  I wasn’t paying enough attention to my own walk, rather I was focusing on those around me.  I could see their issues popping up all over the place, but I missed my own.  Go figure.

And now I am going to have to work again to get them back down to size.

I’m starting with a gratitude list, as suggested by a wonderful friend of mine:

I am grateful for:

waking up this morning and not “coming to”

my Salvation

my recovery

having 3 healthy children

having a job

having a car

having a home

having a man who wants to spend forever with me

soon to have 3 step-sons

supportive family and friends

people blessing us over and over again for our wedding

time to sit and write this

willingness to go beyond my self-imposed limitations

stretching my faith

praising Him in the storms

wonderful friends in my life

quiet time

the Bible

facebook

sleep….

 

Have a Blessed Day!  What are you grateful for today?

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